JESSE EISENBERG:People on the street say mean things to me.
JESSE EISENBERG:I get called Napoleon Dynamite because I have curly hair. I live in New York City and I ride a bicycle. I always bike down 9th Avenue and there’s this kid who goes to school there named Abraham. Every time I pass him, he calls me Napoleon Dynamite. He screams it out and his friends laugh. That was a fine movie but I wasn’t in it.
INTERVIEWER:What do you say back?
JESSE EISENBERG:I say, “Please Abraham, I’m not that man.”
my dream date? we’re in a nice restaurant, youre a squid. i look down at my menu and everything on it is bugs. i ask the waitress for something without bugs and she laughs and hands me a glass full of bugs. i look back at you and youre a chair on a chair now. nobody notices this. the restaurant changed into my basement at some point and my house is flying. maybe i get to second base.
you stare at your girlfriend from the window of the train. it begins to pull out of the station. “i’m kony” she mouths. you can’t hear her or read her lips. she starts crying as the train takes you away
WONKA MEME is written on your wall in blood. where did it come from? a million hands protrude from the floor beneath and pull you underground. a speaking baby crawls to your feet and looks up at you. “welcome to the friend zone” it whispers.
in seventh grade my girlfriend wrote me a note to break up with me and i acted like i didnt find it and acted completely normal all day and sat with her at lunch and then at the end of the day i broke up with her in front of our whole math class and she said I BROKE UP WITH YOU FIRST and i said wow thats pathetic and nobody believes that and she cried and i watched gay porn in 7th grade anyway so the joke is double on her